Getting my new dark fantasy novel The Burned Book ready for launch is demanding more of my time of late. So here’s a blast from the past that didn’t get enough love the first time around.
Did you know that you own a time machine?
- Use some vacation time in early fall, on what would have been the first day of the new school year you’d have cut class.
- In a semi-finished basement room, pull out your vintage Atari 2600, hook it up to a 13″ CRT TV, the kind with analog dials.
- Grab a bag of Funyuns, a six-pack of 7-Up, and enjoy the audio/video/taste experience.
If you’re younger than Gen X or just in the mood for a slightly more sophisticated destination, here’s your ticket to …
Perform the following steps to go back to the heyday of John Hughes comedies, wacky sitcoms, and Reaganomics.
- Wait for a weekday in early spring when you’ll be alone in the house. After school hours, around the time you’d let yourself in with the key in the mailbox, go to your bedroom.
- Take with you a bag of pizza Combos and a pitcher of Berry Blue Kool-Aid.
- Use the same CRT TV as above, but swap out your Atari for your NES. Slide the original gold Legend of Zelda pak into the control deck, and explore the forests of Hyrule as once you did.
Apply this formula to relive the zenith of mass-market popular entertainment.
- Around All Hallows’ Eve on a Friday evening, run through the drive-up at McDonald’s. Order a 20-piece McNugget and a large orange Hi-C.
- Retreat to your bedroom once again. This time, trade up to a newer TV with push-button controls–an angular black model such as dominated store shelves in the 80s. Connect your Sega Genesis to this TV.
- Insert your copy of Altered Beast, and raise 1989 from the grave.
After that, it’s time to bid the 80s farewell and venture into …
The Early 90s
Enact this ritual to experience anew the glow of post-Cold War optimism:
- On a Saturday afternoon in July, move your CRT so you’re sitting right next to a vintage 80s window air conditioner. Switch back to your NES for the last time.
- Load up your Super Mario Bros. 3 cartridge.
- Set out to rescue Princess Peach, frequently dipping into the case of Pepsi Throwback you left to chill in the fridge.
- Take a sick day deep in winter (easy w/ Corona). Plug your Super Nintendo into a console-style CRT TV in the living room.
- Go blankie mode with a hot mug of Nesquick & start a game of Final Fantasy III.
- Play from your normal punch-in time into the afternoon.
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Side effects of time travel may include colitis and/or exposure to X-rays.
So make sure to get your riboflavin.
For the gamers amongst us that are younger than Brian, who are enjoyers of a green armored supersoldier uncovering mysteries on rings in space, the time machine is easily triggered with a short video loop and a few select tracks of music…
https://halome.nu/h3/
Killer soundtrack.
The older you get, the weirder time gets. It never would’ve occurred to me to consider Halo something to be nostalgic for. To me, it just feels like now.
Oh no, something went wrong, my Time Machine brought me back to the Turn Of The Millennium Dark Age!
There’s a can of Surge in my hand, I’m dressed entirely in Abercrombie and Fitch, Sisqo is downloading on Napster as NSync plays on the radio, and as I’m squinting at Final Fantasy VIII, I realize that my tapes of The Matrix and Batman And Robin are overdue for return at Blockbuster.
It gets worse. You are now morally obligated to stop 9-11.
Oh snap! I think I’m going to need more Surge.
We have the recipes:
https://www.food.com/recipe/surge-urge-193582