How to Test Witches

Because the Witch Test is a precision instrument that must be deployed along exacting parameters for maximum effectiveness on subjects and safety for users, here’s a helpful refresher.

Christianity is a necessary pillar of Western civilization. Not only do the Church’s teachings inform our cultural and legal traditions, she has saved the West from destruction time and again. If not for the brave Christian soldiers at Tours, Lepanto, and Vienna, Western civilization would have been scoured from the face of the earth.

Not only are men like Charles Martel and Don John of Austria sadly lacking today, a particularly loathsome breed of heretic has cropped up to undermine the Church from within.

Instead of spreading the Gospel to all nations, the contemporary heretics we’ll call Witches have been evangelized by the world. They pay lip service to orthodoxy while lecturing Christians on morality. Hypocritically, the Witches’ morals are not informed by Christianity, but by the Death Cult.

Witch Self-assessment

Give yourself one point for each:

• Scolding a Christian for supporting immigration limits because, “It says somewhere in the Bible that nations should admit infinite immigrants.”
• Invoking the Crusades and the Inquisition to shame a Christian who stands up for his faith.
• Bringing up Old Testament ritual prohibitions against shellfish and mixed fabrics to attack the Church’s ancient and consistent moral teaching.
• Lacking faith in Jesus Christ but lecturing Christians from an unwarranted position of smug moral superiority anyway.

Don’t worry about adding up the point values. The list above is more of an index of warning signs for others than a self-assessment. No Witch would have made it this far into the book anyway.

If you notice someone on social media—or even in real life—displaying the kind of hypocritical moral preening outlined above, you’ve likely spotted a candidate for the Witch Test.

Despite its name, the Witch Test isn’t strictly an examination tool, either. Its true effectiveness lies in its ability to quickly and definitively expose the hypocrisy of those who feign Christian morality to lecture Christians on morals.

How does one administer the Witch Test? It’s simple. Just ask someone who’s pontificating on Christian morality to make a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ.

Witch Test Examples:

PONTIFF IN PROBLEM GLASSES: You can’t say abortion is murder because that’s, like, judging, and the bible says don’t judge.

HAMMER OF WITCHES: Confess that Jesus is the Christ, and God has raised Him from the Dead.

PiPG: I don’t owe you my confession.

HW: Witchery confirmed. You have no moral authority.

 

PREENING PEARL-CLUTCHER: How can you support a politician who says such insensitive things and call yourself a Christian?

WITCHFINDER GENERAL: Profess your faith in Christ, and Him Crucified.

PPC: This is about your support of bigots, not my religion.

WG: Your moral authority is forfeit, witch.

 

BOX WINE WITCH DOCTOR: The Bible says to be stewards of the earth, and that means sterilizing people in underdeveloped countries to prevent climate change.

GRAND INQUISITOR: Confess that Jesus is Lord, and He is Risen.

BWWD: Lol I’m just reading what your Bronze Age storybook says.

GI: You’ve abdicated all moral authority. Witch confirmed.

 

Note: It is vital to issue the Witch Test as a command. Phrasing it as a question, such as, “Do you believe that Jesus Christ is God?” leaves the suspect ample room for dissembling. The object is to give the subject the binary option of making the profession or not.

Nine times out of ten, the self-styled Christian will refuse to profess faith in Jesus Christ and thereby expose himself as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Some might object that a genuine believer might balk at making the profession, but those people forget the clear and repeated teaching of Scripture on the subject. (Matthew 10:32, 11:6, and 12:30, Romans 14:11, Philippians 2:10-11)

The right time to deploy the Witch Test is after a suspect has met one or more of the criteria listed previously. You can already be pretty certain the subject is guilty of Witchery. The point of the Test is to demonstrate the Witch’s cynical and coercive co-option of Christianity to his audience. They are the ones his bad faith arguments are intended to sway, and a properly delivered Witch Test works wonders to break his spell.

IMPORTANT: When applying the test online, if the subject doesn’t make the confession in her first reply, declare her guilty of witchery and lacking all moral authority; then block her immediately. This step is vital for everyone’s safety, since you do not want to continue communication with someone who may be under advanced demonic influence. And blocking denies the witch the attention her vices make her crave.

Do likewise if your command receives no reply for 24 hours. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to interact with a proven Witch. Not only do you risk spiritual peril, you’re increase your chance of catching a ban.

What if a suspected Witch does respond with a public profession of faith? That’s easy. In such a rare event, loudly and exuberantly celebrate the subject’s conversion to the one, true faith. Screen cap his profession and show it to EVERYONE. Make sure to tag him in. For some extra mileage, create a Twitter list called Born Again Christians, Christian Fundamentalists, etc. and add him to it.

An actual Christian will either echo your praise or politely ask you to tone it down. A Witch, however, will cut and run. Remember: The reason Witches dispense their lectures is to curry favor with the Death Cult. The mere insinuation that they’re courting the Cult’s mortal Enemy is enough to put the fear of their Father Below in them.

And the fact that the Cultists fear the Name of Jesus speaks volumes about their motivations. We can’t expect to defeat the Death Cult if we take God less seriously than they do.

 

As always, Brian brings the action

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